Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
