And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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