I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
