I wish I only lived at night.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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