hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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