I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
