she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
