my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
