Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
