Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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