that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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