Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
