stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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