so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
