The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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