i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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