you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Sext me about skeletons
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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