Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
