Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
