Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
