When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
