I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
