She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my shit smells like andre
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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