So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
