I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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