He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
