So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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