Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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