Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize