omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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