i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
