The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
