onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
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