I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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