We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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