You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
