Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
