dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
