I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
