your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
