The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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