How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Randomize
