yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
