my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
