Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
