When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
