forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
