Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
