I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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