you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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