i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
