Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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