Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
