bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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