And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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