Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's blow job season.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
