In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
