You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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