Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
