She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize