dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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