Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize