Having a random hookup so left but love u
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
