So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
