After last night, I could never be a politician.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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