some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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