Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
