Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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