Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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